Hi Carolynn,
Thanks so much for stopping in. You bring up some very important points about why it might be difficult for us to see the divine in others. I'd like to present a different viewpoint, one that I share in Chapter 6 of Your Truest Self. It's based on the Truth, "I Cultivate Compassion for Myself" represented by Sue Patton Thoele (who was a guest on my blog in March, by the way. Check out the archives.)

Without true, deep and lasting acceptance of ourselves, warts and all, we will never be able to do the same with others. Self-love and acceptance must come first. Openheartedness to self, as well. We are divinely sourced humans who live very challenging lives. We are born with wild and wacky egos. We deal with crazy thoughts and even wilder emotions. As Fr. Thomas Keating has said, basically all of us are neurotic. That's what being human is all about....

However, each of us is spiritual too. We all have love as our essence, peace at our core. Do we tap into these qualities all the time? Nope. Does anyone else either? Nope. Doing so is a learned practice. When others act up or out, they are only acting out of their ego selves. Their sacred (truest) self is on the back burner, so to speak. But the Divine is in everyone, even those who seem "bad." They are simply operating as their ego selves (rooted in fear), instead of their light-filled sacred selves.

So can we be compassionate with others about this? Absolutely! The journey into our truest selves must begin, however, by kinder and gentler, more understanding with ourselves first. As we do this for ourselves, it becomes easier to do so with others. We know that we fall off the spirit wagon and get run over by the ego bus time and again. So does everybody else. Wouldn't understanding be more preferable than blame?

And, as you say, it is not up to you to fix or convert anybody. It is up to you to be more loving to yourself. In time, this love will naturally outpour onto others. Practices of self-gentling, self-blessing, self-nurturing eventually soften us, open our heart, first toward ourselves, then others. (My book is full of these, by the way...)

"Other" love begins with self-love.

(Also, we CAN learn to live more and more each day through our spiritual identity through our ego identity. My husband and I actually wrote a book about that entitled, Perfect Love. It's available on my website. awakenedliving.com)

Jan,

Argh, yes I know, it’s tempting to want to ‘make’ things happen, certainly feels more ‘in control’. I know that’s not always possible, in fact, maybe we kid ourselves that it’s possible at all :)

But one thing I’ve wondered about...the bookshelves are packed with all kinds of books on ‘how to create the life you want’. I believe that we can create a life that is fulfilling and meaningful. But many of these leave the impression that ‘making it happen’ is how you do that, wouldn’t you say? And, on the other hand, I know people who seem to be so passive in their lives that they don’t seem able to exert any influence at all on what happens to them. That doesn’t work very well either, obviously.

I’m guessing you are talking about walking some kind of line between the two, but maybe you could give us some thoughts on this.

Allison

Jan and Carolynn,

I struggled with this for a long long time myself. It's a toughie. But in my leadership and ethics Master's program 7 or 8 years ago we had a critical thinking course that focused on building awareness of how our values, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, beliefs etc affected our actions. Most everyone in the program thought it was the most transformational thing they'd ever done. It was for me and I went on to be a teacher's assistant for 2 years and then teach the course for a year.

It gave me such an awareness of my own 'stuff' and how hard it can be to change it even when aware of it, that ever after I am SO much more compassionate to others even when they are being very unpleasant. When I was teaching the course, by the end of the class, I would feel so privileged to have been allowed to really 'see' people, warts, wounds and all...those few years had a profound effect on how I relate to people now.

I guess it is back to how we are with ourselves, is how we tend to be with others...

Allison

Cindy,

Oh yeah! I always like to think of incubation time, it does seem that supposedly 'fallow' time can be pretty important. Things just take time to 'cook', and I always have to remind myself that you don't learn to play a new game like tennis in a few weeks. Takes time doesn't it to learn a new way of being?

Darn it! :)

Allison

I like Jan's point about the relationship between self love and the ability to be compassionate toward others.

Allison, I've noticed that too - so much stuff on personal development is about "making it happen" - set your goals, make a list of your values, define your purpose...

Frankly I think some of this is overemphasized to the point of being misleading. As you suggest, there needs to be a balance - a balance between conscious decision making and receptiveness to... however you may personally conceive of it: the divine, God, the unconscious mind... God speaking to us via the unconscious…

So it really helps to set some time aside each day for doing something that enhances this sort of receptiveness: jogging, meditating, journaling and other kinds of writing… maybe knitting, taking walks… I’m sure there are many different types of things that work for different people.

Paul - originalfaith.com

Allison, yes, the shelves are filled with books on creating the life of your dreams. Is that possible? I hope so. But there is a balance to be found in all of this. People apply success principles to be get rich, but then are they really happy? Studies say that most aren't.

So what creates true and lasting happiness. This journey begins with learning how to listen deeply and discern. To do this we have to get quiet so we know what we truly value, what are the principles we hold dear, and the ones we want to make manifest in our life. Also to discern what it is we want our life to represent. This is a process.

That is why I present the Truths I do. The 2nd Transformational Truth helps us learn how to honor our body's wisdom which is the primary way women connect with their inner knowing. The 3rd Truth concerns determining if our life choices are aligned with our spirit or our ego. The 4th Truth is about finding spiritual practices that support those values and choices...and on we go. I really do present a pathway women can follow to create "the life of their dreams," but it is not in the usual "push ahead and persevere way" we have been taught.