I’ve been thinking a lot lately about women in their mid to late 50s who have a hard time landing a job despite having good experience and a strong personal network. It scares me, for all of us who could find ourselves in that position some day.

I want to explore this subject beyond the nuts and bolts of how to go about searching and interviewing, to the unconscious, but every bit as powerful, messages we send out that may stand in our way .

We’ve engaged Nancy Oelklaus, a life coach, speaker, and author on helping women live the life they want, in an conversation on this subject…

Please feel free to jump in with your comments or questions...

Post edited by: admin, at: 2008/06/04 15:22

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Post edited by: admin, at: 2008/06/04 15:33

50-ish women must update their information and skills. That's what most advisors address. The head part.

And what about the heart part? Is it possible that 50-ish women are afraid that they aren't "enough" to attract an employer? That they won't be able to compete? That this fear may actually be what repels opportunity? If so, then we must start with the heart and come first to a place of not only accepting but valuing who we are at this stage of life--what we've learned--how we've grown.

I'm talking about the law of attraction as it applies to the 50-something crowd. Quite a few years ago I coached a 30-something woman who had not been able to land a job, despite sterling credentials. What we uncovered was her attitude as she went into interviews. She was thinking, "I'm great, and you're not." Through the phenomenon of mirror neurons, this attitude was coming through. Through the law of attraction, she was attracting rejection. Once we changed her attitude, her luck changed, and she landed a great job.

Now, if you want to go even deeper with this, consider the possibility that some of us have depended on our good looks, which have taken us a long way. So when the day comes that younger people can "out-look" you, what do you do? You have to go deeper. Into the heart. Find a place of accepting and valuing yourself that has nothing to do with how you look. THIS quality of authenticity is what employers are hungry for! It's rare, and here an older woman has the advantage.

Post edited by: admin, at: 2008/06/04 15:33

Hmmm, I think you bring up excellent points. It's never only the outside circumstances, is it? Our unconscious attitudes about ourselves and others have a powerful influence on what happens to us. Drat! :)

The ‘power’ point you bring up...I don't think we talk about this enough. But, my observation is, it's very true for many of us.

I think part of my mid-life crisis a year or two ago was the realization that, whatever ‘power’ my appearance contributed to my ‘success’, I couldn’t depend on it for the rest of my life. The big question became, If not that, then what?

It was a distressing thought really and caused me quite a bit of angst for a while. But, I came to see that I had plenty of other resources inside myself that I had not developed fully. It was more than a little scary, but really, we have a lot more control over developing ourselves into the person we want to be than we do keeping the march of time from leaving its mark on our physical appearance.

And, those internal resources endure over time. Why didn’t someone tell me this when I was 30?? :)

As to the first issue you bring up, how do we come to see the messages we may be unconsciously sending that hold us back? Long held beliefs about ourselves can be hard to change as I’m sure you know. What kinds of tools are at our disposal?

I guess your second point is closely related to the first…what internal resources do we need to develop so that we convey our essence in a way that is powerful and effective? And, authentic?

Post edited by: admin, at: 2008/06/04 16:50

You may have heard the saying, "What we resist, persists." So the first task is to get rid of all resistance, which might take the form of resentment that we got to mid-life before we were ready or that younger women have it easier. It might even take the form of jealousy or immaturity. These negative energies hurt only one person--you. To get to these, I suggest journaling in answer to the question, "What am I resisting?" To take it a step further, make three columns:

I'm resentful at: Cause Result

Resentment is a manifestation of ego, which is very cunning. I found myself in the grips of it a couple of days ago. In these columns, I wrote,

I'm resentful at: people who tell me 'no'
Cause: a sense of entitlement
Result: damaged relationships

If you can't get to the source of your resistance or resentment, then what judgments are you making toward other people? Are you thinking, "He's prejudiced." or "It isn't fair."? Whatever flaw you see in the outside world exists within you. Start there.

Post edited by: admin, at: 2008/06/04 16:50

Ah, this speaks to what I think of as keeping your power. Basically taking ownership of one’s own feelings and actions. And, using outward circumstances to ask, ‘what is this situation asking of me or showing me about myself?” And, being open to hearing what is revealed.

Obviously, we humans are complex creatures. Our own motivations aren’t always clear to us. In the job scenario where you’ve been looking for some time with no success, I can imagine discouragement, insecurity, hurt, betrayal to be at work.

How might the equation look if it started: I’m discouraged…

Also, sometimes feedback from others can reveal things about us that we are unaware of. Perhaps having the courage to ask someone we trust to tell us how we are coming across in interviews…Nancy, how would you see that?

Maybe that’s where the What Am I Resisting? comes in. I’m resisting/scared to hear about myself what I need to hear to move past this obstacle. It can be hard to get feedback about ourselves when it concerns our less than perfect side. But not finding that courage keeps us stuck in the same unsuccessful dynamic.

To do that also requires us to admit to ourselves that there is a problem. Yuk!

Post edited by: admin, at: 2008/06/04 15:35

Allison, acknowledging and accepting our own shortcomings is the first step in this process I'm talking about. If we're glossing over our faults, then maybe there's something within us that thinks we have to be perfect before we are acceptable. Not so.

That's why I always emphasize being honest with ourselves about our own faults. It's hard to hear what we're doing that's repelling people, but it is important to know. Then we become more aware of when we are doing it and are able to make a different choice. As long as we are unaware, we have no choice--we're on "autopilot."

But I said this is only the first step.

It's also important to acknowledge the splendid, wonderful, lovable aspects of ourselves. What helped me more than anything in my own process of transformation was writing a love letter to myself every morning for 40 days. To be honest, I continued the practice for about 2 years. I wrote in a journal, and the letters were never long. An entry might be something like, "I love how courageous you have been in making changes. I love that you think young. I love that you are willing to learn and grow."

Nancy Oelklaus
www.HeadtoHeart.com

Post edited by: admin, at: 2008/06/04 16:49