I would like to hear from other parents of young adults. My son is 26 plus and it is so hard to see him struggling. He is a great guy and works so hard, but he is in a field that does not pay well early on and is barely getting by. I am paying for his cell phone so we can at least stay in touch. I am concerned that he does not have health insurance at his job and am wondering if I should be paying for this also. Several of my friends do this for their kids because they know if something happens, they will end of pay for the treatment... Then I will see him spend money on something I think is a luxury.... AGH!!! He needs to make his own mistakes and live with the consequences, but I can not help wondering how do others handle this....

I say grit your teeth and let them do as much for themselves as you can stand. I lived all through my twenties with no health insurance. If something catastrophic happens you do not have to be responsible for it either. I have found that if I only give my sons what I want to, then I never worry about how they spend their money. I only help them fly home for the holidays because I really want them to be here, but I never offer to pay their bills. I know sometimes they struggle, but I also know they learn invaluable lessons if they have to survive on beans and rice for a week.

I agree with Rosie. Both of my kids have gone through spells of having no health insurance. Covering them was more than I could comfortably afford. I've helped my 28 year old son with graduate school. It has always worked for me to say this is how much I can give you. Then I try not to notice how he chooses to spend his money. Of course, that depends on your financial situation. Right now anything I give my kids is that much less in my retirement account. I think having to make tough financial decisions is an important part of becoming an adult.

I am doing too much for my adult son and don't know HOW to stop. I pay his car insurance, cell phone and he has "borrowed" money to pay rent and I have never been paid back. I provided day care of his infant son and was never paid even though it was discussed in the beginning that they would prefer me to daycare and I agreed. But I would not watch his wife's 10 year old son too so she quit her job and then my son would tell me that they had no food..... I don't want them to go hungry but when do I get to save for me?

I know this must be a hard situation. I think though that as an adult, your son and his wife are making their own choices. It sounds as though they have developed a pattern of taking advantage of you in several ways. The only way that can stop is if you stop allowing it to happen. Having a clear understanding and not being afraid of communicating when they are not holding up their end of the bargain is how that will happen.

I think any help provided in this kind of situation has to be to get them self-sufficient, not as a crutch. People always have choices even if some of them aren't very appealing. Maybe your daughter in law needs to go back to work. You could consider helping out with the 10 year old (with the clear understanding that you are paid for your services) for a set period of time to give them a chance to get ahead of the curve.

But you need to be prepared to make the choice of enforcing the agreements with them or stopping help if they don't abide by your agreements. At that point, they will have made the choice to not use your help to become self sufficient. And that is on them, not on you as hard as I'm sure it would be to watch.

But, they need to be independent because what would happen to them if you suddenly dropped dead? They need to be able to take care of themselves and their children without you.

As a parent of a 23 year old autistic son, my parenting skills are still very much in demand, but I also have a 26 year old son and a 30 year old daughter, both very independent but who I also worry about constantly. I think that's a mother's role no matter what. I do offer my advice, sometimes unsolicitated or unwanted, but I still feel I can offer my motherly guidance. When it comes to parenting adult children, you have to release the umbilical cord and let them succeed or have failures on their own. If your adult child is giving their all, trying as hard as they can to be sucessful and still have difficulties, for example in the financial way, I believe if you're in the situation to assist them go ahead and offer it. As responsible adults it will be appreciated, but if it seems to become something they depend on then again discuss ways to rely on their own strengths. As for a cell phone, if they can't pay for that themselves then I don't think we should.