I'm the single mother of a 22-year-old son (only child) who is in college and I struggle with this issue all the time. I do pay the difference between his financial aid and his tuition. When he moved off campus last year I paid all of his rent but he had to pay for his groceries. Now he lives in a house with some other guys and I only pay 1/2 his rent less $50 against some parking tickets he got and for which I paid. He has to make up the difference in rent and pay his groceries and his utilities. I did that because he just wouldn't get a job. Now he has a job and the responsibility is good for him. When he was home for Christmas, I told him that May was the last month's rent I would be paying.

Evidently he's only in his "first" senior year at college(!). Next year, when he graduates and moves off to L.A. to become the next Steven Spielberg, I suspect I'll really start struggling about how much to help.

It's easy to say, "stand firm" but you worry about your kids. All I would say is make sure your finances are secure before you help your kids too much. You will do them no favors if you beggar yourself helping them and then they, in turn, have to help you!

Mary@SimplyForties
http://www.simplyforties.com

Post edited by: SimplyForties, at: 2009/01/10 19:06

Figuring out how and when to help adult children is like trying to thread a needle without bifocals! My oldest son has significant disabilities that often require help from family and my youngest son seems to be drifting through life. Never sure where the right balance lies but just have to remember they have to take responsibility for their own lives and take each day as it comes.

Iam really struggling with letting go of my 21 year old son. He's living on his own 1200 miles away in the army. I don't want him to be overwhelmed with everything. I feel having to learn a new job and living away is alot to deal with. He is making mistakes which i know is normal, but some of them have real consquences. I have been helping him a lot and taking baby steps to stop. I don't want to just drop all his stuff in his lap. I would like to hear from anyone who knows any helpful stuff or books I can read on this. I want him to be an independent adult and I need to go slowly with this.

I don't know about any books you can read although I suspect they are out there. I think the best you can do is be aware that they are adults, which it sounds like you are, and then slowly start handing over more and more of the things you do for them, to them. One thing at a time. It sounds like that is the approach you are taking and I think that's all you can do. Also know that the consequences of those mistakes he is making are life lessons he needs to learn, so don't try to head off all of them! Good luck!

Post edited by: SimplyForties, at: 2009/01/24 03:19

I'm always so impressed with the wise advice I see in these forums, we are smart! :)

I have no children so you may think I'm not qualified to comment on this topic, but I can tell you what it feels like to be a 50 year old adult having to learn some of these things I should have learned in my 20s!

My parents raised me and siblings trying to spare us too much challenge. I wanted to work in high school, but my Dad said no daughter of his needed to be working while she was in school. I'm sure his motivations were loving, but I basically learned to believe that money would just be there for me because, well, I was too special to work.

Then I married and was fortunate enough not to have to work at an outside job...I helped my husband run his business. Life was pretty comfy until I was widowed about 14 years ago. I had enough money that I needed to work but I didn't have to get serious about it. I could take jobs that were fun but didn't pay what I was worth, or take time to pursue an interest.

Well, here I am, single at 51, in the middle of an economic crisis, wanting to FINALLY stand on my own feet financially and seriously earn some real money, and I'm having to overcome a lot of years of a deep seated assumption that I would be taken care of. Just things like budgeting, realizing that that $25 I might throw away on a mediocre meal could pay for 2 days of good food I cook at home, and being gutsy enough to ask people to pay me for what I'm worth. All pretty obvious stuff, unless you never learned it before.

SO...I can attest that letting your kids struggle a bit will only benefit them in the long run. It's a great feeling to know you can take care of yourself and that you can work hard to make life comfortable for yourself. Or not, if you don't choose. At 20 something, let them rough it a bit, it won't kill 'em and they'll learn some useful things!

Post edited by: WomenBloom, at: 2009/01/26 20:34

Very well said!