The Marriage Sabbatical: An Idea Whose Time Has Come?
Last weekend I had a girl date with one of my friends. As we settled in cozily at a neighborhood wine bar, she mentioned that she and her husband of 20 years had been having a little trouble. Nothing dramatic, but she just felt as though lately she was the only one putting in effort. They’d seen a counselor about it and things were improving but it got me thinking.
Seems to me we are so locked in to some traditional way of seeing our long term relationships. Maybe we should use a little imagination. I asked my friend, “would you ever consider moving out for a while, 5 or 6 months say, and dating again?” You know, a kind of marriage sabbatical.
Well, she LOVED that idea. And I see why. I think it’s a splendid idea. Seems to me that one thing that makes long term relationships get stale is too much day in day out togetherness without a break. Your identities kind of mush together. You don’t ever get to sleep by yourself. You only occasionally get the house to yourself. He’s there on Sunday afternoon watching ball games when you might like to lounge on the sofa (sans the drone of sports announcing) wrapped up in an afghan reading a good book.
You’re never ALONE to take a deep breath, relax and just be you. There’s always someone else there. Geesh, just writing this makes me feel constrained. No wonder people get tired of each other.
What’s wrong with taking a rest from each other? Time apart to give yourselves a chance to miss each other. And then after a few months, starting to date each other again. You know, where you actually dress up a bit and go out to dinner or dancing. Maybe you have a nice lingering goodnight kiss or two before going your separate ways. Maybe after a month or so of that, you have a sleepover or two, but you still are living apart.
By that time you start missing each other and find yourself looking forward with anticipation to the time you spend together. You are rediscovering each other, and yourself, in a new way.
Heck, many jobs let people take 6 month sabbaticals after 5 years’ service. Why would a relationship be any different? People need a break, they need a chance to get re-acquainted with their individuality, explore a few interests perhaps. It could be an opportunity to do a few things you’ve wanted to do for a while.
I mean, really. What is wrong with this other than it’s unusual? You could alternate where one moves out for the first separation, and the next 5 years, the other gets to move out. I’m really getting attached to this idea, it could be the salvation of many a long term relationship.
I know how it feels to be dating. Lately our lives are complicated, Tall, Slow Talkin’ Texan and me. We don’t get to see each other as much as we would like. When we are together, it’s special. We get a chance to really miss each other in between times. And for me anyway, it’s nice sometimes to curl up in my bed alone and read a good book before falling asleep.
But, like anything you have too much of, that gets old too. It would be nice to have enough togetherness to get a chance to become a little tired of each other. But then to know that the need for a break isn’t because something bad is wrong with the relationship, but because it’s time to refresh the relationship.
My friend was really taken with the idea. What do you think?
Posted on November 17th, 2009 by admin
Filed under: Divorce, General Observations, Love, Older and Wiser, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized
Love the idea. The only reason it probably doesn’t happen is that people in couples fear the worst: that their companion will go out and meet someone they like/love better.
I could see that. But, at least in my age group, it’s danged hard to find anyone else.
Maybe it would help them realize how good they have it 
But maybe not….
Thanks for the insight!
Allison
The idea strikes fear into my heart. How bout this: Circular Dating - my invention for women no matter what your relationship status. It means talking with men, flirting with men, engaging with men, practicing being a “girl” with men (instead of a wife, mother, CEO…). The man behind the counter at the drug store counts. So does the man standing in front of you at Starbucks if he turns around and smiles at you….Try it. It’s like a vacation from routine 24/7. Sincerely, Rori Raye
Well…you certainly caught my eye with this.
From a guy point of view, this strikes me as having a major flaw if you have children. No kids and this would probably be an option.
However, how in the world do you explain this to one or more kids? At that point you may as well just call it a divorce waiting to happen.
You might want to break it up by generation. My age group would call this trial sep gearing for divorce. Perhaps the age group above mine would see this as refreshing.
Great idea, though the logistics and financials are challenging.
I like the idea of spending time apart without the dating. I would even go for a few days by myself. I had a friend who went to Mexico for a week and told her husband to stay home - sounds like a great idea to me.
All relationships need to be nurtured. Certainly a break might be good, but there would need to be some understanding between the two before embarking on such an endeavor.
Immediate ID says GREAT IDEA
cautious Ego - prompts what if you find someone else–or he does
Super Ego sums up as Marriage is a commitment, a compromise a never ending effort to maintain, to care about the other and their needs,etc etc. It is not something you ever step back from. so maybe a day or two or a week may be enough to refresh the relationship –a six month or longer Sabbatical is something to be avoided.
This should be a requirement and signed like a pre-nup at the time of marriage! Absolutely the answer to staying sane and married at the same time!
My husband and I have separate bedrooms and have since our children all moved out. This works great for us because I like to go to bed early and get up early, he retires late and gets up late. We both like to read in bed so it is very convenient.
I have gotten my own apartment for 6 months before when things were very stressed between us and it did help things out.
We have been married 28 yrs and both are not interested in the least in single life!!
I love the way your think, Allison. Twenty years ago I suggested to a group of friends, all mothers of young children, that we rent a small apartment together and take turns using it - to find some quiet or get a good night’s sleep or work on a project. They laughed and said they couldn’t possibly…but I was serious. Now my children are grown and I look forward to the weeks my husband works out of town - I start projects all over the house and can leave them from day to day, and I do enjoy sleeping alone sometimes.
It takes commitment to stay married for many years. My husband and I have learned to enjoy the good times and how to survive the let-things-be-until-we-can-talk-about-it times. We find that some time alone for each of us can make all the difference when it comes to working out disagreements or learning to see the other person’s point of view.
Oh, Allison, your suggestion reminds me of my answer when someone asks how my husband and I have been able to stay happily married for 34 years……Our jobs require us both to travel a lot!
And although for me 5-6 months seems longer than I’d WANT to be apart, I do think mini-sabbaticals are healthy (should be mandatory) and can be worked into any relationship. Retreats (with groups or alone), conferences, classes, friendtrips, etc. are all fabulous for recharging, growing and probably making us more interesting by giving us even more to talk about when we get back together!
Several real estate trends substantiate your argument for a bit of separation: the “man cave”; dual offices in the home; huge bathrooms where a couple can have some distance; every bedroom having an ensuite bathroom which would facilitate each having his/her own bedroom even if they live together. However, as someone who has spent many nights alone when married, there IS a risk in being separated much of the time. It sometimes becomes evident you DON’T really miss the other person. Are we fearful of finding out?
This is exactly what I am doing. After being married for 26 years though I was just thoroughly sick of my husband. He didn’t want any change, I did. So I went out and leased a wonderful little condo in the city (not the suburbs). I love it there. I used to go home frequently (only 10 miles away), but now when I think of home I think of my condo. Yes, it is sometimes lonely, but it beats being married to a boring man who has no clue that anything could be wrong with our relationship. Is divorce in the future? I really don’t know. I don’t love him but divorce is a mess. Financially this works better. Am I happy, no. But I am less unhappy than being at “home” with him.
There’s a famous quote from Katherine Hepburn on this subject: It’s better to live nearby and visit often than to live together. I agree, but then you have all of the economic practicalities of housing expenses etc., etc.
Laura Lee aka the Midlife Crisis Queen!
Hey that is a wonderful idea.
Well, obviously this hits a nerve. Sue, I think a fair amount of travel and separation is a good thing, as the longevity of your marriage attests. Kathy, sounds like you’ve worked something out that isn’t perfect but at least gives you an outlet that keeps you sane. TSTT is so swamped right now with professional and family obligations that it’s a stress figuring out how to make time for us. It’s stressful banging up against it. I’m wondering if taking December to get some distance isn’t what we both need to clear our heads. Not with the intent to let it all go, but just to get a breath so we can think without the emotional strain. I just can’t think that kind of separation is a bad thing. Maybe 5 or 6 months is too much, but just a month might do wonders.
Hmmm..thanks everyone for the thoughtful input!
Allison
One point of clarification…I didn’t mean dating OTHER people. I meant the two of you going out on dates with each other. In other words, backtracking in the relationship to a time when you planned a special separate time to spend together doing something, not just hanging out watching TV. You know, you get dressed up, take a little care in the planning and execution. And I would say, WHO wants to be dating around? UGH at the thought. Having been doing that now for about 15 years, I can say it has lost every bit of its charm. But now, missing my partner and getting to go out on a date with him after I’ve come to miss him a little…that could get some juice going again
As someone who has been single for 10 years now and is tired of it, this one is a little hard for me to get my head around. But I do remember a time when I was married and would have loved a little “time off”!
I have a good friend who rents a cabin on the Oregon shore for a month every summer. She ships boxes of books up there (pre-Kindle) and just enjoys her alone time. She feels this mini-sabbatical is what makes the other 11 months work!
Absolutely! Absolutely! This is about the best suggestion I’ve heard. So often you really feel like you’ve just got one more kid instead of a husband, and if you’ve got to put up with it one more day you’ll scream. I remember being the other way when I was single too! We’re never satisfied, crazy humans. But yes, I think the longer the marriage, the more a little alone time could be quite valuable. Sign me up!