Where to start...the Midlife Gals or railing about health insurance?  OK, well, there can’t be a single midlife woman out there who hasn’t been so mad at her health insurance company she could bite nails in two at one time or other.  They are horrible, especially if you have an individual policy.

The Midlife Gals are two crazy, twisted sisters who are kinda like The Smothers Brothers with buzzoms.  They live with and take care of The Ancient One, their mom, and offer their hilarious view of life through their blog and videos.  In this essay, they have the health insurance companies in their sights.  With good reason!

Probably like some of you, I pay thousands of dollars per year to insure against having to pay thousands of dollars MORE per year in case I might get sick.  This is just one of those things that, if you are able to do, you do.  Everyone tells you that it’s a necessary evil in our society and that if you don’t have it, you’re screwed.  It’s a conundrum though, isn’t it?  On the one hand, if you have it, you feel safe...like there’s a bubble around you through which no bugs, maladies or injuries penetrate. And, if you’re like me, when the bubble does spring a leak, you’re immediately pissed off at the insurance company.  Why?  Because they don’t cover shit!

Used to be, when I thought of the word, ‘rider,’ I pictured a handsome cowboy on a bay mare galloping across a mountain meadow chasing down a lost calf...not a piece of paper that says, ‘By the way...if you should be revisited by a malady that preceded your coverage with us, and need some form of treatment to make sure this malady does not come back...we’ve decided that either one of those categories would mean less money for us, and we need all the billions that we make every year.  SO, you can kiss any kind of coverage for this malady goodbye and pay “out of pocket” (another creepy visual comes to mind here).

Can I hear an Amen about ‘deductibles?’  If you’re healthy, your insurance won’t pay for any little thing you need during the course of a year because your deductible is $5000, and your deductible is $5000 per year so that your insurance payment won’t total more than your mortgage payment, so insurance becomes a moot point, except for the money coming from “out of pocket”...your pockets to the insurance companies.  I can actually see two old geezers in Brooks Brothers suits sitting at their mahogany desks laughing about how clever and successful this strategy has been for them through the years.  It would make my blood boil except for the fact that I haven’t met my deductible for this year yet.

Auto insurance is pretty important to have also, right?  Here’s how I feel about the auto insurance industry.  At age 42, I divorced Mr. Three, left New York City, headed home to Texas and bought the first car I’d owned or driven in 12 years.  Then I applied for auto insurance and was turned down flat.  HUH?  And, the reason was a legal technicality...and the LAW in Texas.  As a woman, I was required to be divorced for at least six months because before that period of time was over, I would be considered, “too emotionally unstable to drive.”  This was the law, I swear to God.  And, when told this, how do you think I responded....................”TOO EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TO DRIVE????  ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME????”  Of course, my response had nothing to do with my emotional condition regarding my marriage collapsing and EVERYTHING to do with having been LEGALLY stereotyped in that way and refused service.

I could write a book about insurance, but then no insurance company would ever insure me for anything again because of a new ‘rider’ they have that’s called, “No Coverage for Justifiable Homicide of an Insurance Agent.”

KK
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KK is making me have health insurance now.  I never had it before because I couldn’t afford it.  I sort of didn’t believe in it anyway.  Therefore, I spent one third of my life in LA at the Hollywood/Sunset Free Clinic reading pamphlets about sexually transmitted diseases and bumming grapes off of little old Mexican ladies.  I don’t know why they always brought big red grapes to the free clinic.  It’s just one of those things, like Caucasians in airports who always have pizza slices at the gate.  You can count on it.

I just figured that I would rather pay off my emergency room bill at $50 a month instead of paying my insurance premium at $150 a month PLUS the hospital payment because my deductible was $1,437,899.69 and that didn’t cover anything that was genetic, cancerous, or caused you to be ill.

I’m not sure what I’m covered for right now.  I think I’m covered if a tree falls on me or if I get food poisoning at a restaurant, as long as it is east of I-35.  If it is west of I-35 but east of Mopac freeway then I’m covered if I’m in a car wreck but only if the driver is over 21 but not if it is a woman over 86 and not if there is an open container of grapes in her car.
 
All you can do is be careful and hope the guy who answers the phone in Bumai, India understands what anal hemorrhoid means and counts it as covered under not pre-existing or treated for cosmetic purposes only.  Good luck.

SalGal

There is more hilarity where this came from!  Check out KK and SalGal on their blog and website, The Midlife Gals.