On its face, this sounds like a belated holiday essay.  But really, it’s about traditions in general, about how life changes, about how WE change and being willing to let go of what we’ve outgrown.  

This essay by our member, Cara Holman, is actually a perfect piece to read at the beginning of the year.  Setting goals and making changes in our lives usually requires us to make room for something new by letting go of the old.

As we approached Thanksgiving this year, it was with a great deal of trepidation. This was the first year we would celebrate it since we lost both Mom and Dad. With their five children distributed between two continents and three states, Mom and Dad had to adopt a divide and conquer strategy to see all of us every year. For whatever reasons, it worked out that Thanksgiving was the time of year when they chose to come and visit me.

There were traditions that were inviolable. The first was that the turkey had to be 20 pounds plus, no matter whether we were expecting four or twenty people.  Leftovers were a good thing, we reasoned, and as long as we were going through the trouble to cook a turkey at all, we might as well get the most mileage possible out of it. In all honesty though, I have to admit that we rarely if ever finished the leftovers. There’s only so much turkey spaghetti, turkey soup, and turkey chili a person can take.

While we made some slight changes in the menu from year to year, in a concession to our children’s constantly varying food preferences, it was a rule that no one began eating until we had gone around the table and everyone said what they were grateful for. My mom always gave an emotional speech, which left everyone misty eyed, while my silver-haired father addressed the company with the same gravity he used when speaking before a crowd of hundreds of scientists. If the younger generation fidgeted just a little bit, and mumbled their gratitude for “family and friends”, it was a tradition that we never thought of skipping.

Until this year. My children caught me ahead of time. “Since none of the relatives are coming this year, can we please not do that thing where we go around the table and say what we’re grateful for? We all know what we’re grateful for so why do we have to say it every year?”

I was a bit shocked. It was a tradition, that’s why. Aren’t traditions things you do without thinking, just on principle? Is it possible to outgrow a tradition? I had to give it a great deal of thought before I finally relented, figuring that there was no point in going through the motions, if the majority of us didn’t really have their heart in it. And that got me to thinking of traditions in general, and when it is time to let go and create new traditions.

Life isn’t static. We grow and change all the time, but sometimes we’re so close to it that we don’t really see the changes happening until we stop to take note. Five years ago, our oldest son left home to attend an out-of-state college, and stayed on in his adopted state of California after graduation. While he comes home for visits, he no longer lives here, and I know we can’t expect him always to spend Thanksgiving with us. When our daughter started college this year, we realized she has begun the process of separation as well.

In thinking it over, I realized that it is not really so important whether or not we watch the Macy’s Day Parade, eat the same things for our holiday meal year in and year out, say what we are grateful for, or even whether we can all physically be together for the Thanksgiving feast. There were years in there when our son didn’t make it home, or my parents were not up to traveling, but we improvised. What is important is that we connect with the entire extended family every Thanksgiving, whether in person, by phone, email, or video conferencing. I even get hold of my sister in England every year, notwithstanding the 8 hour time difference and the fact that she hasn’t celebrated a Thanksgiving in the last 34 years. That’s one tradition we will never give up!

As we head into Christmas and New Year’s Eve, two other holidays that have always been rich with tradition for us, I’m learning to be more flexible and enjoy the process of creating new traditions with my family. Since I never got to say what I was grateful for this year at the table, I’ll say it now. In spite of the losses of the last year, I was and will always be grateful for the close relationship I’ve enjoyed with my parents, for all the years I had with them, and for being able to spend their final months with them.

I’m grateful for my children, and I know that they get squirmy when I get all sentimental over them, so I’ll just say that it’s been an adventure. I feel honored and privileged to be part of their lives, and happier than I can say that my two grown ones still choose to visit regularly, and stay in touch with me throughout the year, even if it did mean that I had to learn how to text to communicate with them.

I’m grateful for what will be thirty years with my husband this March. When we took our vows way back when, and spoke the words “in sickness and health”, little did I dream that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer by my fiftieth birthday, and that he would not only stand by my side throughout the entire ordeal, but also hold down the fort without complaining when I was not well enough to do so.

And finally, I am grateful for each and every day. I’ve learned to slow down, not worry so much about the future, and to appreciate what I have now. I think the value of traditions is in reminding you where you have come from, and when we keep some of the old, and blend in new traditions along the way, we honor the past, live in the present, and make memories for the future.

Cara Holman lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband and the youngest of her three children. A mathematician by training, she began writing again after a brush with breast cancer two years ago led her to join a therapeutic writing group for cancer survivors. Several of her pieces have appeared in Along the Journey, Volumes I and II put out by this group.  

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