The concept of self-esteem is probably familiar to most of us.  We’ve all heard about the need to build good self-esteem in our children and had the lack of it blamed for all kinds of problems from low grades to delinquency to bad relationships.  Interestingly however, criminals, bullies and the like often have high self-esteem.
 
Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas, has done research showing that a focus on developing self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, is actually a healthier way to relieve stress, improve relationships and bounce back from life’s set backs.  She practices what she preaches.  She has found her sense of self-compassion invaluable for coming to terms with her son Rowan's autsim.

This can be a touchy subject, especially for parents, but recent research cautions there's such a thing as too much self-esteem.

Many child-rearing books now tentatively suggest it's not necessary for parents to lavish "good job, good job" on their five-year-old when he blows his nose on his sleeve. As it turns out, criminals, bullies and bigots often have high self-esteem.

An overbearing, narcissistic college student can have high self-esteem. Incompetent workers often report having high self-esteem. And one study found that subjects who had narcissistic high self-esteem were more likely to administer painful, ear-splitting blasts of noise to study participants who had insulted them.

So if generous doses of high self-esteem could be toxic and low self-esteem certainly isn't the goal, what kind of self-regard should one nurture?

"Self-compassion provides an answer to the problem of high self-esteem, offering most of its benefits with few of its drawbacks," says Dr. Kristin Neff , an educational psychologist in The University of Texas at Austin's College of Education and a pioneering scholar in the relatively new area of self-compassion research. "Self-compassion derives from Buddhist psychology and hinges on a self-kindness that is, ideally, devoid of judgment and self-evaluation. You allow yourself to feel compassion for yourself because all human beings deserve kindness and understanding.

Compassion and gentleness are your right when you lose, fail and are disappointed as well as when you win or excel.
"When you have self-compassion, you do still feel regret and sadness when life takes a turn for the worse or you fail, and you take responsibility for those actions that are within your control, but you also are as kind and forgiving with yourself as you would be with a dear friend or close family member. It's not about building yourself up—it's about not beating yourself up."

Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion has no harmful side effects and allows you to feel good about yourself without having to create tension or distance between yourself and others. Convenient and ever-accessible, it's under your control and can be used at any time. Research reveals that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring behavior in relationships and less narcissism, indignation and reactive anger.

"With self-esteem it's about how you measure up against others and is, by definition, focused on social comparison," says Neff. "You have to be cuter, smarter, faster and richer or you're not good enough. So many surveys have shown that Americans rate themselves as 'above average' or 'superior' on almost every task you query them about, whether it's level of driving skill or reading speed. It's not OK to be average at something—in fact, most people would be insulted if you suggested they were only 'average' cooks or parents.

"It's almost a bad thing to have that kinship or equality with everyone else. Feeling you're much better than average creates a distinct sense of separation and competition between you and others, a sense of distance, and for many it leads to narcissism. Self-esteem so often hinges on winning and is contingent on the attention and approval of others."

Not surprisingly, people who employ self-compassion also tend to show more compassion for others. In fact, says Neff, one of the best ways to dissect and describe the experience of self-compassion is to think of what compassion looks like when you see it in another person.

First, the compassionate person notices and acknowledges, rather than ignores, suffering when she encounters it. Second, the person responds with warmth, caring and a desire to alleviate pain. The compassionate person extends kindness and understanding, rather than criticism and judgment. Finally, and perhaps most important, the compassionate person realizes that suffering, failure, inadequacy and imperfection are part of our humanness and maintains a sense of balance and perspective when facing life's inevitable setbacks.

"When you have self-compassion and something awful happens to you," says Neff, "you're able to step back and say, 'Yes, it's very difficult, what I'm going through right now, and I'm going to acknowledge and feel this grief, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Maybe this isn't worth getting quite so distraught about.'"

Since becoming interested in Buddhism in 1997 and deciding to conduct research on self-compassion, an area in which no empirical study had been done, Neff has contributed a significant body of scholarly work. She developed the first scale to measure self-compassion and has researched self-compassion versus self-esteem, the relationship between positive psychological functioning and self-compassion, and a comparison of self-compassion among people living in Taiwan, the United States and Thailand.

In 2005, Neff completed two studies examining the role self-compassion plays in how college undergraduates set academic goals and cope with perceived academic failure. Findings indicated that students reporting high levels of self-compassion freed themselves from harsh self-criticism, self-doubt, isolation and over-identification with undesirable outcomes. Learning improved because students were able to focus on mastery of the material rather than fretting about performance evaluations. The studies suggested that self-compassion is associated with overall lower anxiety levels and that self-compassionate students are more likely to use adaptive, beneficial coping strategies when faced with academic failure.

Ways to Increase Self-Compassion

Ask yourself:

•    What would a mother say to her child if she wanted the child to grow and develop?
•    How will I learn and grow if it's not OK to make mistakes?
•    Can I feel my feelings of pain without getting lost in the drama or storyline of my situation?
•    Can I fully accept this moment and these emotions as they are without suppressing, resisting or avoiding?
•    Isn't it true that I am not the only one going through such difficult times and that all people experience things like this, or worse, at some point in their lives?

More tips for increasing self-compassion, a self-quiz and suggested readings are at Dr. Kristin Neff's self-compassion Web site.