 This is an excerpt from Dr. Nancy Oelklaus's book Journey From Head To Heart: Living and Working Authentically. It's an interesting mix of...well, head and heart. She gives us some perceptive advice about how our unmanaged emotions get in the way of living an authentic life, personally and professionally. And, she presents the interesting science behind how we get 'pulled in' by other people's emotions.
In my work as an executive coach many of my clients are beautiful, well-educated, intelligent, talented women who have never been challenged. Instead, they have been handicapped by preferential treatment, never tested by fire. Some of them get by on good looks, charm, polish, and connections. They are positively reinforced for how they look or dress, not for how closely their effort aligns with their potential. Certainly not for becoming all that they can be—because their appearance is so dazzling that . . . well, it’s enough.
Sometimes referred to as the “halo effect,” this praise “addicts” them to their perfect image. They may even become “trophy wives” with marital relationships that are only, as my mother used to say, “skin deep.” When people misbehave toward them, they take a “How-dare-you-do-that–to-me?-Don’t-you-know-who-I-am?” approach. This arrogance or egocentrism marks all relationships, which ultimately fail. Also, it limits their effort even though they may appear to be successful.
"Try not to become a (wo)man of success, but rather, try to become a (wo)man of value" ~ Albert Einstein
These gorgeous women come to me because they are not getting what they want out of life. They want to be authentic—to be all they can be. They want to be happy—to do well—to get good results—to be respected. They want meaningful relationships. One of my first responsibilities is to speak the truth to them with love. If they are able to accept it and do the work that is necessary to move out of arrogance and into humility, they experience a different kind of fire. Here’s a story about one of these women:
Sarah came to me as she was finishing an advanced degree, after having left her previous executive position in health care under duress. Divorced from a husband she had helped put through school, she and a new male boss had clashed from the very beginning of his tenure. By the time she finally quit she was so angry that she didn’t even negotiate a favorable severance for herself—a pattern repeated from her divorce. My job was to help her remove blockages to her future success.
While she was in the process of transformation, Sarah participated in a group conversation in which she angrily fired back in response to a comment by another participant. After the meeting, she e-mailed, “What happened to me? I reacted immediately. I was angry. I felt it.” Sarah had “flipped her lid,” and this is not an idle expression. When it happens the fire starts at the base of the spine. A hot, burning sensation goes rapidly up the spine, through the neck, and out the top of the head. She actually felt her “lid” “flip.” Some people even describe this sensation as having their hair on fire.
My answer to Sarah’s question was, “Mirror neurons” . “You were reflecting back to him the energy you felt coming from him.” The man who had provoked Sarah was angry. He has used that energy to advance his career, as many people do, and about once a year he has a “meltdown” that sometimes lands him in the hospital. His anger sparked Sarah’s anger, which flared.
Here’s how mirror neurons work: When someone performs an action, certain neurons in his/her brain fire. In the brain of someone who is observing the action, corresponding “mirror neurons”5 also fire, giving the observer the same experience as the person observed. Mirror neurons tie us, in a sense, to other people’s feelings. You may have heard the expression “Monkey see, monkey do.” Substitute the word “people” for “monkey,” and you’re talking about mirror neurons. Sarah wanted to learn how to prevent these hijackings in the future, so together we stripped away the arrogance that had wrapped around her ego, replaced it with a humility that accepts character defects in ourselves and others, forgives them with compassion, and moves on - with the soul undisturbed. Some people refer to this process as alchemy. I call it transcendence.
Once a woman (or a man) has confronted, accepted, and transcended the worst within herself, she no longer has to fear any other person’s opinion, judgment, or action. She can simply be calm and comfortable with herself.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." ~ John 8:32
The byproduct of this transformation for Sarah was peace of mind. Relaxation. The state in which the human brain works best—the state of relaxed alertness. Here’s the difference it made for her.
Sarah went home for a Christmas visit. Her mother, in a rage, told her to “shut up,” but Sarah remained perfectly calm. At another time her brother arranged for a family sledding excursion. Both he and Sarah skidded on the ice, with their sleds going out of control. Sarah “went with the flow” and ended up in a soft bed of snow. The next day, she wasn’t even sore. Her brother, on the other hand, dislocated a shoulder and broke his collar bone. Sarah made a conscious choice to remain calm and have peace of mind during her Christmas visit, no matter what. Her jealous sister hurled insults at her. Sarah listened with interest but didn’t react.
Several weeks after returning home she sent me this e-mail: “Yesterday I had a conversation with my sister around some of the emotionally charged work she and her husband are doing. She reported having a peaceful mind (not her style) around a very big workers comp issue with his business. I believe a peaceful mind is contagious—like emotional hijacking, except in a good way.” Since 2000 Dr. Nancy Oelklaus has coached leaders in education, social services, financial services, medicine, religion, philanthropy, high tech, real estate, networking, communications, public relations, and city/state government. Her articles have appeared in The American School Board Journal, The Austin Business Journal, The Systems Thinker, and Austin Woman Magazine. This is an excerpt from Nancy's book Journey from Head to Heart: Living and Working Authentically (www.HeadtoHeart.com). Three coaching CD’s by Nancy are available through Amazon .
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