For those single midlifers among us, there is one question that occurs most often when we are in the dating scene:  Am I settling?  Is this really the right guy for me?  And of course, we most often ask that when things may not be going so well.  The temptation is to kick that guy to the curb if we find ourselves in that situation.

Well, our WomenBloom expert on all things relationship, Dr. Pam Monday, has some very wise things to say on this subject.  In fact, much of what she says is valuable even if you're married or in a long term relationship.  Dr. Monday is a therapist in Austin, Texas.

My fabulous mentor, Dr. Patricia Love, once told me she was going to write a book called “When to Hold ‘Em; When to Fold ‘Em.”  We laughed heartily, and then, as I breathlessly awaited her book, she got busy writing other ones.  (Be sure and check her books out, by the way; all of them are great.  A wonderful one is “Hot Monogamy.”)  In the meantime, as you’re thinking “Ain’t no hot monogamy if I’m trying to decide if I want the guy or not!” let’s look at that question.  How many of us wonder: “Is this guy good enough?  Am I settling?  When are the differences deal breakers?  Isn’t it supposed to be easier than this?”  Alas.  no easy answers.  But since Dr. Love didn’t write that book, let me take a crack at the issue.

No matter how old we get, many of us still wonder “is there love out there for me?”  I once had a wonderful therapist who told me, “Pam, we weren’t meant to be alone.”   Since I’ve been alone on and off a lot in my adult life, his comment was annoying.  But I’ve learned that when something irritates me, there’s probably a thread of truth in it.  So as I go kicking and screaming into older age, and realize that I am becoming invisible to men, I’m still thinking about how great it would be, just one more time, to feel that “high” of new love.

Ah, there’s the rub.  The “high” is really just a chemical.  Really!  It’s called phenylethylamine—P.E.A. for short.  That wonderful feeling, when you first feel that chemistry—is just that—chemistry!  P.E.A. is an amphetamine-like drug that’s produced in the brain, in the presence of the loved object.  When you’re away from him, you literally go into withdrawal—that’s what love sickness is!  So you are on a high!  It’s not really love—we’ll talk about that in a minute.  Instead, you are under the influence of a mood-altering chemical that takes you out of reality and into the fantasy of romantic love.   It’s why if your friends tell you “I don’t know if he’s trustworthy,” you don’t say, “thanks so much for the input.”  In fact, you might very well tune your friends out, or better yet, just don’t take him around them.   After all, they don’t know him like you do.  Right.

This chemical, however, is there to get you to mate; its purpose isn’t to keep you together.  So, as time passes, your brain habituates to this drug, and you no longer experience that high.  Some of us gradually re-enter reality; for others, it’s a THUD! as we crash to the ground.   Welcome now to the second stage of a love relationship—drum roll please--The Power Struggle.  This is where we begin to question our choices.  “Why didn’t I see the red flags?  Oh darn—I saw them; why didn’t I pay attention?”  Or how about this one?  “My picker is broken—I keep picking these bad men.”   And of course, the older we get, the more we realize that men are hassles.  “I can take care of myself.  What’s a man good for, anyway?”  Those kinds of thoughts crop up, and having plenty of experience going it alone, we realize we are not desperate or needy, as we might have been when we were younger.  It’s easier to be alone than to “deal” with a man.  Right?

Well, let me introduce the idea that when you enter the power struggle, and conflict and differences appear, it’s a signal that growth is trying to happen.  It’s normal; it’s necessary!  We are drawn to people in the romantic love stage because our unconscious mind is trying to heal.  In Dr. Harville Hendrix’ book, “Getting the Love You Want,” we learn that all of us have things that happened to us in childhood that caused us pain.  I’m not talking about being burned, beaten and left for dead, although some of us did experience that.  I’m talking about things that our imperfect parents did that caused us hurt as children.  Maybe Dad yelled at you, taking out his frustrations about feeling inadequate at work.  Or maybe mom had post-partum depression and neglected you.  Or maybe, in their ignorance about the developmental needs of children, your parents expected you to be the grown-up and take care of them, instead of the other way around.  These things cause children pain, because kids do not have the cognitive ability to understand about grown-ups and their problems.  But what children do, when parents are not there for them, or hurt them, is blame themselves!  They cope the best they can, and usually they do not feel safe enough to say to mom or dad “hey, you hurt me!”  So the unresolved feelings go underground.  Until you fall in love.  And then, those old, unconscious feelings start to surface.

We all grow up--all of us--with wounds we carry, and the people we are drawn to in romantic love will be the people who, once the power struggle happens, will trigger our old wounds from our childhoods.  This is called our Imago match.  Imago is the Greek word for image.  The stronger the attraction in romantic love, the more this person is going to trigger our “stuff.”   This is the growth part—we are unconsciously drawn to people who will activate our old hurts, but this time—we’re going to try to master the pain.   We’re going to fix it; we want to heal.  You’ve chosen the RIGHT guy when he triggers your hurt!  But what we do is put up our defenses to protect ourselves, as does our partner, and before you know it, the relationship unravels.  We fold ‘em before we get the chance to learn what real, enduring love really is.

So what’s the answer?  Commitment to work on the problems!  How scary is that?!  “Wow,” you might say.  I’ve been hurt before; why would I want to put my hand on that hot stove again?  Well, how would it be if you had a partner who was willing to commit to helping you heal, just like you were willing to help him heal?  What if you two decided that differences were healthy, provided you had the skills to know how to resolve those differences?  What if you felt you could trust your man to listen to you respectfully and understand your point of view even if he didn’t agree?  How would it be to feel safe enough to tell him what he does that hurts you, and know that he wouldn’t bite your head off, or withdraw, or do some other version of that fight/flight response?  Would it be worth the hard work to have that?

If the answer is yes, then you have to learn how to interact with your man in a way that doesn’t shame him.  You have to know what you want, and then learn how to ask very specifically for what you want, rather than complain about what you don’t want.  You have to give up the notion that he “should” know what you want.  You have to give up the notion that you can change him.  You have to be really, really curious about this strange alien called a man, and willing to listen without judgment when he takes the huge risk of telling you what’s going on in his head (if anything)!  All of these skills you can learn in Imago therapy.  Go to http://www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com for more information.

So scan for the man who has healthy ideas about what a good relationship looks like.  Scan for the man who is willing to go to therapy, or read the self-help book, or go to a couples’ workshop, or go see the pastor.   Scan for the man who has some humility about his part in previous break-ups.  Beware the man who still is pissed off at the ex—that means he’s stuck and is attempting to avoid feelings of loss and sadness.   Beware the man who repeatedly stonewalls you, refusing to ever come out and talk about what’s going on with him.  Beware the passive man who lets you walk all over him—you’ll have contempt for him eventually, and he’ll resent you, probably without you having a clue that he’s full of stuffed anger.  Scan for the man who is willing to do the hard work of learning about you, and is willing to take the risks to teach you about him.   Scan for the man who let’s you know with his actions, even if he can’t say it in words, that he values you.  

And if you decide to fold ‘em, do so with grace, not rage.  Tell him, “thanks for all you’ve taught me about myself.  This isn’t working for me, and I want to tell you goodbye.”  That’s it.  No long letters about how horrible he has been.  No emails that let him know all the ways he screwed up.  No vicious postings on Facebook (heaven help us if we haven’t matured enough to avoid that).  Just quietly, lady-likely, say “goodbye.”  And when you’re ready, deal those cards again.  

Dr. Pam Monday is a marriage and family therapist in Austin.  Her passion in life is helping individuals, couples and families create happier, healthier lives.  She specializes in working with couples, teaching them how to reduce and resolve conflict, and resurrect the passion and intimacy they once had.  To learn more about Dr. Monday and how she might help you, go to her website www.drmonday.com.