|
Page 3 of 3
The Downside
That said, it’s easy to see that this lifestyle presents many challenges. One that is top of mind is the question of STDs. As the adage says, you have sex with everyone your partner has had sex with. The more partners you have, the greater the risk for contracting an STD. In that sense, perhaps the risk is greater among polys than monogamists.
Polys would argue that if monogamists were honest about the people they were sleeping with, that might make sense. However, we’ve already seen the stats on that.
Given the fact that the very nature of poly is about communicating, one could presume that this might moderate the risk somewhat. However, the multiple partners implied with poly is a real risk. Given that condoms are not foolproof protection against herpes since it can be spread through even apparently uninfected skin in the groin area, even the most up front and honest communication cannot eliminate the risk that multiplies as you have more sexual partners.
Another challenge that cannot be understated is that sharing someone you are intimate with can be extremely difficult. Polys are very aware of what they call NRE or, new relationship energy. In the first flush of a new relationship (and going forward), it takes great care and attention to make sure the “old” partner’s needs aren’t ignored. And, that the new partner gets plenty of opportunities to enjoy their new love. Someone can easily feel left out or unsatisfied. There are only so many hours in the day and having to juggle several people’s busy schedules while respecting all those relationships can present a challenge.
Most of the polys I spoke with either knew early on in their lives that they were open to this lifestyle whether they actually engaged in it at that time or not. Technology has made it much easier to find like minded people if you have a ‘bent’ to the poly lifestyle. If you have been monogamous, and the thought had never crossed your mind that you wished you could choose between Tom Cruise AND Brad Pitt depending on your mood, it would take a very open mind indeed to successfully transition to a poly mindset.
And, it seems obvious that one needs very strong relationship skills to manage a poly lifestyle successfully. If communication and honesty are not top priorities in your relationships, poly probably isn’t for you.
According to Polyamorous Percolations, a web community for polys, these five things are necessary to make this lifestyle work:
• Tell the Truth
• Know Yourself
• Take Care of Yourself
• Take Responsibility
• Encourage Growth
These are applicable for any healthy relationship, of course, but the nature of poly makes them even more important.
It Obviously Isn’t For Everyone
This article isn’t intended to suggest that this lifestyle is for everyone. In fact, it is probably for very few people. And it is worth saying again that it is not a tool for fixing a bad marriage. But I found that for some people, they had ‘secretly’ thought about this before but didn’t think it was ‘OK’. Or, they didn’t realize that there are other people who do make this a lifestyle.
From initially blowing my brain circuits, exploring this lifestyle has brought a new realization of just how fluid the boundaries of our intimate relationships are. There is the matter of those pesky statistics on how many people step outside their commitment to a monogamous relationship. Not to mention that in some European societies, it has long been accepted that a man may have a mistress and a wife within certain proscribed roles. While a patriarchal and more rigidly defined approach, it’s another example of how in our supposedly monogamously minded Western society, the bounds of monogamy are fuzzy.
For me, the key really is that poly simply brings into the open behavior that happens in one way or other on a fairly frequent basis among us humans. No, it emphatically is not for everyone. But, for those of us in midlife who find the traditional ‘two people meet, fall in love, and get married’ scenario too confining or simply outdated when it comes to our intimate relationships, considering a poly lifestyle may, at the very least, stretch our minds to see that there are other possibilities for arranging our love lives.If you'd like to learn more about polyamory: Loving More: New Models For Relationships Polyamorous Percolations Polyamory What, like, two girlfriends? Love Without Limits Free Love Grows Up
 | LIST OF COMMENTS |
1/2. Jenny Block
Written by Guest - Saturday, June 14 2008 |
Thanks so much for doing this piece. It is so nice to see more poly coverage in the mainstream media.
Best,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"
www.jennyonthepage.com |
2/2. Mr.
Written by HumanPotential - Tuesday, June 24 2008 |
Just had a chance to read your article. Thanks for speaking so clearly and from your own heart. And thanks for presenting my work with polys as you did, making the distinction between the mission of the The Human Potential Center and my own personal orientation. Funny and poignant, you didn't overlook the difficulties of poly, and you didn't ignore the benefits. Thanks for your clarity.
Bob McGarey |
 Add Comments
<< Start < Prev 1 2 3 Next > End >>
|
.jpg)
