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Redefining Love And Sex: Polyamory
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Written by Relationships Editor
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Monday, 09 June 2008
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Page 2 of 3
The Statistics on Monogamy
I decide to turn to the comfort of statistics. Cold comfort, I’m afraid.
The “experts” always begin with some variation of ”it’s tough to know exactly how many people have affairs outside their marriage given the inherent reluctance for people to admit such a secret,” but their best guess is anywhere from about 14 to 40% of women and 24 to 60% of men will have an extramarital affair some time during their marriage. If you figure somewhere in the middle is probably about right, that’s a lot of people stepping outside their marriage vows for a relationship with someone else.
Or, consider that 2 of 3 women and 3 of 4 men admit having sexual thoughts about co-workers. Or that 86% of men and 81% of women admit to flirting with the opposite sex.
Well then.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the statistics say that many avowedly “monogamous” people aren’t, or at least frequently entertain thoughts that it would be nice if they weren’t. It would seem that polys simply surface the feelings and conflicts that occur quite frequently among the rest of us, and make it possible to include these others openly in their intimate life.
How Do They Do It?
Bob McGarey, Executive Director of The Human Potential Center in Austin, Texas, is a therapist who works with many polys and is, in fact, a poly himself. Although the HPC has the much broader mission of serving anyone wanting to explore personal growth and development, it also serves as a kind of touchpoint for the poly community.
Bob explains the philosophical belief of polys: it’s possible to love, be in relationship, and have sex with multiple people. He asks, “Why is it that so many people think the only way to have a satisfying relationship is to limit it to one person? Exclusivity is not equal to commitment to a relationship.”
Polys believe this lifestyle allows you to maintain a relationship with those you care about even if the relationship shifts, changes, or ends. Just because you and a romantic partner break up and you take up with someone else, it doesn’t mean you have to give that person up as it might if you were in a monogamous relationship. As most of us have experienced at one time or other, once you enter a new intimate relationship, the new partner is frequently not open to you maintaining a friendship with the old significant other.
Several polys I spoke with emphasized this and mentioned examples of relationships in their own lives that had undergone several transitions over a period years. They valued and kept the relationships even as they changed forms.
What about that green-eyed monster, Jealousy? How is it possible that one could be nonchalant about their partner being in love—excited about being in love—and sleeping with someone else? We all know how silly one can get when in the first flush of falling in love. It would be easy to feel left out. Or, feel that our sexual abilities were somehow being compared and found wanting. Or, any number of equally unpleasant possibilities. Do polys ever feel insecure or threatened?
“Of course they do,” Bob says, “They are only human.” But, he points out, the first rule of successful poly relationships is Communicate. And the second, and the third rule. In fact, Bob says there is a joke among polys that they are so busy communicating that they have no time for sex. Of course, any Relationship 101 class would tell you communication is the first rule of thumb for any relationship.
“Wise polys use their jealousy and insecurity as an opportunity to understand themselves better”, he says. As all of us know, it is easy in any relationship to blame the other person for any problems that come up. Polys are more apt to talk about what it is that is triggering the insecurity within themselves and follow one of the other rules for poly relationships: negotiate and compromise to make all parties as happy as possible.
Polys have varying degrees of openness about what goes on with their partners’ other love interests. At one end, are “triads” where three people are closely involved in each other’s lives. For some, the details of the other’s relationships, add spice and interest. And Taylor, a poly for more than 20 years, even speaks of something called ‘compersion’ where one feels happy and delighted for their partner’s new love. For other polys, it is apparently a more arms’ length situation where they know and consent to their partner seeking other relationships but aren’t interested in hearing details about its ups and downs.
Many polys are reluctant to be involved with a person who has been monogamous all their life. It IS a difficult concept to put into practice if you are accustomed to thinking about an intimate partner as being The One, or filling all your important needs. And since polys are all about the relationship, a break up is just as painful as it would be to the rest of us. It’s an added emotional risk for them to get involved with someone who isn’t already comfortable with idea of a poly lifestyle.
A Midlife Switch From Monogamy To Poly
Most of us would not have to look very far — perhaps no further than our own house – to find couples who have been married a long time and whose relationship is stale. Or, what about the scenario of being in a long-time marriage, finding yourself attracted to someone else, and “being good”? The deadening feelings of resentment and resistance that situation can create is not conducive to a vigorous, strong marriage.
Lauren, a 46-year-old who has been married almost 11 years, tells her story of how opening up her marriage has re-invigorated it. Lauren says, “I am definitely at that point in my life where I'm comfortable doing what works for us rather than what might fit into conventional rules.” She tells an all-too-familiar story of a marriage that had become tired and unsatisfying. Before they married, she and her husband had discussed the idea of an open marriage if they ever reached a point where needs were going unmet.
They had children and, while not happy with each other, they did not want to throw in the towel since they knew it would be very difficult for the family. But “we weren't sharing things that were emotionally intimate, our hopes, our dreams, our views on the universe,” admits Lauren.
“We got that back when we were able to talk to each other openly about what it was each of us was missing, and what we'd like to find in another partner. We also reaffirmed our commitment to each other and our desire to stay together because we had rediscovered that we really are each other's best friend and life partner.”
One of Bob McGarey's caveats was that poly is not a “fix it” solution for a bad marriage. To introduce poly, a marriage needs to be on a firm foundation. Lauren and her husband seem to have followed that advice and carefully gone about setting the stage for this evolution in their partnership. They spoke with a doctor about STDs, since after 12 years of monogamy they found that possibility frightening. And they slowly began connecting with their local poly community.
Lauren is in the beginning stages of “dating” several men but has yet to explore the physical side of that. “After 12 years of monogamy, the relationship is far more important to me than hopping into bed with someone new.” She expects to ultimately be in relationship with one or two men besides her husband.
Lauren also muses, “The thing I've found is that poly is a completely different game than looking for a mate. I've already got one of those. I can be so much more relaxed about a potential partner that I can focus on and appreciate what's special about him, without needing him to satisfy a whole host of other criteria I would be using if I were looking for a ‘one and only.’”
The attention she is receiving is wonderful, flattering, and has breathed new life into her and into her marriage. “Poly allows me to have my cake and eat it too -- have wonderful, fulfilling relationships, and keep my family together and happy as well.”
More than one poly told me that having relationships with others took a lot of pressure off themselves and their partners to be all things to each other. The energy that usually accompanies a new relationship can actually inject energy into the old one.
For middle-aged singles, the difficulties of finding that special person are well-known. Will, another poly with whom I spoke, echoed 'DeDe’s' sentiments: ”Sharing a great man beats the hell out of "settling" for weak ones. Likewise, many men don't realize that living with goddesses is a gift!”
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 10 June 2008 )
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