Most of us midlife women know that how we think about intimacy, sex and relationships has changed a whole lot since our parents' day.  

Well, if you're ready to challenge the bounds of how you think about these things, then read on.  Here, we explore polyamory, or the practice of being in more than one intimate relationship at the same time.  Yes, you read that right.  Polys, as they call themselves, engage in muliple relationships, and with the full consent of everyone concerned.

It's a lifestyle that isn't for most of us, but learning more about it is almost guaranteed to make you think differently about relationships in general.  

There I was happily bopping around in my monogamous world, not giving much thought to the many varieties of sexual and relationship arrangements people have.  When I thought about it at all, I knew of course that people have affairs, that some date and sleep with more than one person concurrently. I was even 'hip' enough to know that further out, things like ‘swinging’ existed, probably more than I realized.  

But when a friend of mine informed me that she was in a polyamorous relationship, I was clueless.  A poly…whahh?  What’s that?

Thus began my mind-stretching journey into the world of polyamory, or “polys,” as those practicing it call themselves.  

After all, I’m the gal who can’t love more than one dog at a time, the one who finds managing one relationship plenty challenging, if not downright mystifying, at times.  Do you mean there are folks out there who actually want more than one lover in their life at the same time?

Ooph, sounded very complicated.

Redefining Relationships in Mid-Life

However, in talking with midlife women, I realize the extent to which we are redefining relationships to suit our needs, from the traditional to the not-so-traditional.  In the western world at least, marriage and relationships based on economic necessity are on the wane.  Much more so than in the past, women are, or can choose to be, financially independent.  So, more and more we focus on finding partnerships that meet our emotional needs.

And that opens a can of worms.  

Middle-aged couples marrying but keeping their separate houses.  Middle-aged couples together for years, but not bothering to get married.  Maybe they live together, maybe they don’t.  Middle-aged women married for many years, divorced and coming out of the closet as lesbians. Middle-aged women having ”friends with benefits,” that is to say, regular sex with men they aren’t romantically involved in.  Middle-aged women in polyamorous relationships.

Oh, yes, gentle readers, it is true.  These are all scenarios that are out there if you look around you, some more common than others of course.

Polyamorists, or polys, are not to be found on every corner, to be sure—it is a challenging concept for most monogamously minded folks.  But, in a recent women’s group on relationships I attended, I was startled that two of the eight women there were either in or considering such an arrangement.

The first thing to remember is not to confuse polyamory with ”swinging.”  For swingers, it’s all about enjoying recreational sex with many people.  For polys, sex is certainly an important piece of it, but it’s overwhelmingly about the relationship, about being able to love, emotionally and physically, more than one person at the same time.

All this may sound a little shocking if you didn’t realize before that there are people who engage in this behavior as a lifestyle.  But as you will see, in some sense, the poly lifestyle represents an effort to be open and honest about behavior that humans already engage in clandestinely.   

So, hang with me.

The Poly Way

My 50-something friend, ”Dede,” and her boyfriend ”Sam,” graciously talked with me about their experience.  Dede had only been in monogamous relationships before, although she is a fairly adventurous midlifer when it comes to dating and relationships.  But, she found Sam so loving, so interesting, and possessing so much of what she had been searching for that she, with some reservations, decided to give it a try.  

“[With Sam] I feel so loved and appreciated,” she says. “I won’t say it isn’t challenging for me on a number of levels, but when we are together, it is so much better than my marriage, or other relationships I’ve had, that I feel I have to give it a try.”  “Dede” realizes that she is she is opening herself up to possible heartache, but “it is so hard to find a great man out there, that I’d rather have a great one half the time than a mediocre one 24/7.”

“Sam” has been married to the same woman for 20+ years.  Theirs was an open marriage from the very beginning.  In fact, “Sam” says, “My wife and I have found that our marriage is much more vital when we are both in other relationships.  Far from draining the energy, it adds to it.”  My monogamous mind scans the number of marriages it has observed that seem in need of some pretty serious re-invigorating and finally (and a bit warily) I come to see how what Sam has experienced could be true.

You see, polys look at love as an abundant commodity instead of a scarce one.  They ask why can’t you be intimate with more than one person?  When pressed to explain why not, I find myself grasping a bit.  Because monogamy is such a deeply conditioned belief in our society, I realize I’ve simply accepted it at face value until now.

Yes, I understand that no one person can fulfill all one’s emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs, but can’t one person love another without sleeping with them?   Of course, the polys would say, but why couldn’t you sleep with them if you wanted to, and if your other partner(s) was fine with it?.   

Weeelll….it’s about that time that my brain circuits blow out and I have to take a break.