I expect I’m not the only one to have noticed that dating in midlife seems a heck of a lot more complicated than it did when I was in my 20s.  Finally, some validation that this is a fact....and some explanation as to why it is so.
 
Dr. Phillip Belove is a psychologist with a focus on marriage and family who has a special interest in midlife dating.  In this article, he de-mystifies many of the puzzlements, frustrations, and challenges of playing the dating game in midlife.  And, he sheds some light on how some long term relationships go bad in midlife.

Dating among young adults today is de-regulated. It is even more of a free market among midlife singles. People have to negotiate their own rules. Even so, there is a natural order and a set of organic stages. These natural stages in dating can be recognized by the different expectations that emerge at each stage. I think it helps to talk about three separate stages; 1) Search and Decide; 2) Testing It Out; and 3) Settling In Or Getting Out.

Search and Decide involves seeing whether or not you want to get involved with each other. You both sense possibilities. There’s a lot of sexual tension. It’s exciting. Songs are written about it.

One of the common hazards of Search and Decide is how the seduction dance works. In the de-regulated environment of midlife dating, sex, though often very bonding, is not automatically a commitment. As one woman told me, "Well, when you sleep with someone every week, you’re bound to become fond of them."

And the Search and Decide phase questions come up. "What does this mean for us? What do we owe each other?" Often these questions are left unaddressed. Sometime, when sex starts, one of the partners will glom on tightly and one will back off. This often scares both partners. These things have to be talked about. Not all people have the necessary communication skills and good will. Elsewhere we will talk about these intermediate level communications skills so necessary in midlife dating. Often relationships just die in this phase.

Search and Decide is the time between the first flirtation and the decision to come out as a couple. It can take days or months. At midlife it can take years because midlife singles often carry emotional baggage from previous relationships. At midlife people can be so wounded, tired and impatient that they panic and try to rush past this starting up phase. Many relationships collapse from too much too soon.

Emotional baggage makes people less flexible and less resilient. Some midlife singles enter the Search and Decide process with so much emotional baggage that they are only open to a small range of possibilities. After a while, when you meet people in this phase you become able to assess how open they are. Sometimes you decide that the person you meet, as desirable as they are in other respects, simply isn’t ready for the kind of serious relationship you are looking for.

The next stage is Testing It Out. One characteristic of the Testing It Out phase is that people are curious about what is really possible. Time for a test drive. Let’s take this baby out and see how it really works. Is it satisfying enough? Can I unpack my bags? What’s it like to know where I will be sleeping on Saturday nights? Sometimes the test is very short. The sexual tension subsides and there is very little else. But more often a test ride at midlife can last several years.

Testing It Out is what used to be called "going steady." One of the things about going steady that surprised me when I was young was the fights. Every one had them. I didn’t yet understand that going steady was the time to see what things were really about. You don’t have fights when you are seducing each other. Seduction is all winning behaviors, clean clothes and good smells. The fights are the beginning of real intimacy.

In Testing It Out you say to yourself, "Okay, this is how it’s really going to be. Do I like it? Can I live with that? Or am I going to have to demand a change? And what happens if I demand a change? Can I deal with that? Can my partner deal with it?" It’s a big list.

Testing It Out is where the struggles of the midlife transition and the struggles of the dating process really amplify each other. You are testing yourself and your partner. Your partner is testing you. You are both testing the relationship. That is a lot of testing.

At midlife, some people are too caught up working on their own revisions to have a lot of tolerance for the testing stage of relationships. For them, it is too much testing.

Others don’t want to be tested at all. They haven’t yet reached that midlife transition. They don’t want to have to start questioning themselves. In one situation I heard about, a woman broke up with a man because she simply didn’t want any struggles. "I’ve had all the pain I want and I simply don’t want to want a relationship that involves any work." In another situation I know of, a man has said, "It’s women. And I’m not going to deal with them." These people fall into patterns of serial monogamy. They decide it is easier to abandon the testing crucible and easier to go for a fresh start. They are at midlife. They have the money to support themselves any way they wish. They see no need to strain themselves.

We’ll discuss the elements of this phase in other articles. It’s enough right now to say that I’ve found that many of the powerful emotions that come up in midlife dating resentment, anger, distrust, fatigue, betrayal and many of the peculiar arguments and so-called mixed messages can be sorted by looking to see how the process of the midlife change and the process of dating interact.

In my practice, I find that I can make more sense of what is happening in midlife dating if I am aware of how these twin currents interact, how the process of dating and the process of maturing effect each other. Each is a different force of nature. All one can do is go with the flow. It is easiest to do that when you know where the flow is going.

Dr. Phillip Belove EdD, is a psychologist with a focus on family and marriage.  He’s also a workshop leader, a university lecturer in courses in communication and a mid-life man who’s learned a thing or two the hard way.  For more information on midlife dating and relationships, please visit his site:  www.datingatmidlife.com.