It can be discouraging for singles, both men and women, in their 40s and beyond to find a long term committed relationship.  Yet, nearly everyone seems to want one.  Do you agree and if so, why do you think that is?

Women want to find that committed relationship.  It’s hard to be patient enough and willing to do the culling.  I know very few people who enjoy the dating process.  In general, it’s regarded as a necessary evil.  They might look forward to it before they actually engage in it because the grass is always greener.  But, it can and does get discouraging.

With a number of women I’ve seen, they’ve spent enough time being single to determine at this age what works for them.  They are willing to flex some but not a lot.  If the right guy doesn’t come along well, OK.  If he does come along, someone who meets their needs, that’s cool.  

We can be choosier at this age.  I think women are choosier than men because the relationship is more important to them.  The downside is what constitutes being too picky?  The danger is in narrowing the field too much, excluding too many, and then the field runs out of candidates. But perhaps, if you can’t find a good candidate to vote for then don’t vote.

But, I don’t think any relationship covers all the bases. You have to discern your preferences from your requirements.  I think at least one of the online dating sites has a way to identify this. We probably all have it in the back of our minds whether it’s articulated or not.

Sometimes the ideal image never shows up.  But, rarely does it show up quickly.  If it does, I’m suspicious, it probably won’t hold up.
 

How can single women in their 40s and beyond change how they think about relationships so they can find happiness with someone in the long term?

Erik Erikson, a well respected developmental psychologist, believed there are eight stages of life we go through.  In other words, there are different jobs we have at different times of our lives.  I know a couple where the guy was 19 years older than his wife, 46 and 27, and they were in very different life stages.  She wanted out, she wanted to be a 20 something, and he wanted her to be a 40 something with the cares and behaviors of a 40 something.  

What’s important when we’re in our early 20s, hormones, energy, etc. are very different than what’s important now.  

Women still want closeness, want relationships, guys are apt to want peace.  I didn’t always want peace and quiet but it sounds good right now.  I think there are some gender differences here.  It’s said that women marry hoping the guy will change, and guys marry hoping the woman never changes.  

If we get desperate and we compromise when we shouldn’t, it isn’t good.  There are some things that just aren’t going to change. 

Dr. Larry Miller PhD has been conducting divorce recovery groups since 1985.  To date, he has helped 159 groups move forward after the loss of their love relationship.  He also does individual counseling around divorce and improving your relationships.  He can be contacted through his website www.divorcerecoveryaustin.com or you may call him at 512.502.1882.  

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