Middle-aged and single almost sounds like the lyrics of a sad country western song.  At least, that is the subtle message we often get from the culture around us.  Most of us singles would like to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship.  What to do if that simply isn't happening?

Mary Lou Serafine, PhD has a lot to say on that subject.  She thinks being single is a pretty good place to be if you use it to your advantage.  She helps people become Successfully Single.  Read what she has to say and you'll begin to see middle-aged singlehood a little differently!

“I can’t believe you’re still single.  You’re so attractive/fun/intelligent/such a great person/fill in the blank.”  Sound familiar?

If you’re in your 40s or older and have been single for any period of time, you’re bound to have heard that from friends or family at least a few times.  Although nearly always kindly meant, there is the unspoken implication that if you’re single, you’re somehow not ‘normal’, as if being in a relationship is the norm.  Perhaps it was the norm once upon a time, but as many of us Boomers hit the center of life on our own, that is quickly changing.  

Dr. Mary Lou Serafine, PhD. is helping that change along.  She believes that being single is a fine place to be, that it’s pretty normal, and getting more normal all the time.  She runs seminars that teach people how to be Successfully Single.  

What does ‘successfully single’ mean?

Mary Lou explains that being successfully single means “you aren’t waiting around for a relationship to make your life what you want it to be.  You might want very much to be in one, and it might be a goal you are actively pursuing, but in the meantime, you aren’t forlorn or disappointed with life.  A successfully single woman would be self-motivated to achieve whatever goals are important to her.”

What is the philosophy behind the idea?  

“Until very recently, we understood people’s psychological development to more or less stop once we hit adulthood, mostly because most research had been focused on child and adolescent development. But we have come to see that development can continue throughout our lives.  We have the potential to be very different people in 5 years than we are today”, Mary Lou explains.

So, she asks, why not take periods of singleness and use them to foster our personal growth?  After all, it’s a time when you don’t have a partner’s needs to worry about, fewer compromises to make.  In fact, Mary Lou takes it a step further and talks about being ‘strategically single’.  That means not only using periods of singleness that may occur naturally, but intentionally remaining single to work on one’s own development.

That might be a foreign concept to many of us. After all, look at the booming success of online dating sites like Match.com and eHarmony. But, consider that the biggest mistake Mary Lou believes people make is not being single when they should be.

“Getting stuck in a bad relationship is one of the worst mistakes women can make,” she says.  “Society sends us messages that if you’re single, somehow you’re a loser, or nobody loves you, or you’re unlovable, you’re washed up, or you’ll never find anybody.”  Those kinds of messages can drive us, both men and women, to latch onto someone and end up in a relationship we shouldn’t be in.

Just because we get those messages doesn’t mean they are true.  Far from it.  Mary Lou encourages people to ask themselves, “would I rather be in today’s average relationship or marriage, or would I rather be successfully single?”  

She walks the talk.  Having gotten her PhD in education, and done post-doctoral work in psychology at Yale, she decided at 40 she wanted to go to law school.  And did. She then moved to Los Angeles, not knowing a soul, to take a job.  She was there for 12 years before making her way to Austin.  What motivated her to take this path?

Similar to many mid-life women, “I think there is an awakening that comes with reaching 40 and recognizing there’s likely another 40 years left.  Perhaps there’s been some big change that we’ve had to adapt to—a divorce, or the kids are grown and out of the nest—and we have another 40 years left.  The question becomes, what am I going to do with that?”