If you are a middle-aged woman with an adult daughter, you know that the transition from Mom of a child to Mom of an adult with a mind of her own can be tricky.  It isn't always easy to remember that you've done your job and need to let her be an adult now.  And, it isn't always easy as a daughter to let go of all those real or imagined slights and hurts you felt as a child.

Dr. Nancy Oelklaus has shared an excerpt out of her book , Journey from Head to Heart: Living and Working Authentically, that illustrates these tensions, and offers some perceptive insights into how to re-create that special mother-daughter relationship.

The truth is that people—even people who are “old”—can change. The greater truth is that when we speak the truth from our hearts to each other, we increase the possibility for positive change that comes from learning. The fact is that if we did this, we would make life safer for the human heart, as well as healthier for the rest of the body. Why don’t we change the invisible barriers—our own beliefs—that stand between us and the way we truly want to live and work together? Why do we shy away from conflict until it escalates into situations that tear up people’s lives—sometimes even our own?

Because, early in our lives, we developed “calluses” to protect our hearts and souls from being wounded. These calluses make us keep repeating patterns we have experienced, even though they aren’t working very well for us. In my work as an executive coach specializing in transitions, I see examples every day, both in professional and personal settings.
    
My friend and her adult daughter had an uncomfortable relationship. They wanted to make the transition to an adult-to-adult relationship, so I offered to facilitate a conversation between the two of them in a conference telephone call. “Think of an uncomfortable conversation the two of you have had,” I said. Immediately, the daughter said, “One happened just last week-end. Dad was leaving for a couple of weeks, and Mom invited me to lunch to see him off. I agreed to go because I didn’t want to disappoint her. But my schedule is so full right now. I’m balancing a job that requires a lot of energy, plus my own career pursuits, and I’m in a new romantic relationship. At the last minute, I called to cancel. Mom was hurt. I tried to explain by saying, ‘I wish I weren’t such a people-pleaser.’ She responded by saying, ‘Well, you’re not pleasing us,’ and the conversation didn’t end well.”

The daughter felt that she just couldn’t do enough. Her mother, on the other hand, had concluded that she must not be very important to her own child. She felt that her daughter should want to be with her family “…just because we’re family. I know she loves us, but I don’t feel very high on her list of important things.”

Finally, the daughter said, “Even when I do come to visit, the last thing you do as I am leaving is talk about the next time we’re going to be together. I can’t do enough.”
    
When I heard that, I asked my friend, “Did anyone ever put that guilt trip on you?”

Without hesitation, she answered, “Yes. My mother.”

I followed up. “When your mother said things like that to you, how did it make you feel?”
    
“I used to hate it. Then I got used to it, and now I just ignore it.”
    
A callus had formed to protect my friend’s heart. Now decades old, it is invisible to her and she repeats her mother’s mistake saying to her own daughter what was said to her - unconsciously, certainly unintentionally.

There is a better way.

The daughter’s part in damaging the relationship was that when the conversation got tense she walked away. Having experienced this treatment many times, now her mother was afraid of saying the wrong thing and suffering the indignity of having her daughter’s back turned on her.

A callus formed to protect this daughter’s heart. Instead of leaning into difficult conversations, she walks away from them, not realizing that her choice is not limited anymore to “fight or flight” response.

There is a better way.
    
In the facilitation that followed, we learned that there was far more positive energy going into the relationship than being drained out for both mother and daughter. An example is that when her daughter’s poetry was published, my friend said, “You have such a beautiful voice!” The daughter wept when she recalled that moment between them and she also remembered her mother saying, “I’m proud of you.” She knew what she meant to her mother.
 
Also, this daughter loved to hear about what was important to her mother; she recalled good times listening to her mom talk about her piano students or her bell choir. When they talked with each other about their heart’s desires in any area of their lives they strengthened the relationship as their understanding of each other grew. Their appreciation for each other also grew.

Then this daughter said, “I admire my mom. She is full of warm, radiant life force.” At these words, her mother shed a few tears. I sensed that my friend was receiving the information she had needed for a long time. Who wouldn’t want to be near a warm, radiant life force? The unspoken, heartfelt energy behind those words told this mother what she needed to hear. Her daughter not only loves her; she values her. She is important to her daughter, whose lack of attendance at family functions is not a lack of caring; she is simply overwhelmed by life’s activities. This mother was reassured.

Moreover, my friend recognized the pattern her mother set and realized it was not enhancing her relationship with her daughter. By the end of the conversation, both mother and daughter were laughing.  Afterwards I received an e-mail from my friend saying, “Yesterday’s phone call made my heart sing.”

This reconciliation took one hour and a few important words.

Such a simple solution.

Since 2000 Dr. Nancy Oelklaus has coached leaders in education, social services, financial services, medicine, religion, philanthropy, high tech, real estate, networking, communications, public relations, and city/state government. Her articles have appeared in The American School Board Journal, The Austin Business Journal, The Systems Thinker, and Austin Woman Magazine. This is an excerpt from Nancy's book Journey from Head to Heart:  Living and Working Authentically (www.HeadtoHeart.com ). Three coaching CD’s by Nancy are available through Amazon .