Death is a very uncomfortable subject for most of us.  We don’t really ‘do’ death very well in our culture.  And yet, in midlife, it is a presence that confronts us more and more frequently through our own loved ones, the loved ones of friends and perhaps even our own terminal illness.

Deanna Cochran is an RN skilled in palliative care and end of life issues and her calling is comforting and supporting those who are dealing with a dying loved one or perhaps their own dying process.  In this article, she shares her insights into the types of comfort most important to the dying.

A cure is one thing for which to hope. If it is our time to die, what do we hope for then?
 
Hope for physical comfort. The fatigue, pain, shortness of breath and nausea (among other symptoms) we see or experience can be demoralizing. Know that it is possible to live with minimal pain and discomfort. Just like in anything else we choose, there will most likely be trade-offs. Just know you have a choice. There is always something we can do, always. You may not like the options but to know that symptoms can be taken care of may give you more hope. It will be your choice of options rather than no options available. Begin with a palliative care consultation with a physician trained in palliative care. See if your town has a non-hospice palliative care program. Ask your local hospice for a recommendation.
 
Hope for emotional comfort. When dealing with life-threatening illness, in a moment, all of the fluff of our lives leaves. All the half-laughs, half-hearted interests, things we were doing out of obligation, etc. seem to go up in smoke. There is no time for that. The focus goes inward and to our loved ones. We know we need to pull in or we won’t make it. It’s not out of super emotional healthiness, it is out of survival. We may not have paid attention to our own needs for years. The tunnel vision of this time may actually facilitate some emotional healing. The emotional pain of this often propels people to seek out comfort they would not have sought before. Many people describe personal breakthroughs and life transformations. Many people seek to find peace with this situation, and in getting it find many emotional wounds from the past healed in the process.
 
Hope for relational comfort. These times bring people back into our lives that we may not even want…maybe we do. Longstanding resentments often are worked out. When they are not, there is often more peace about it. Values are clarified. We may open up more now, wanting to be known. Or we may realize that we have given ourselves away more than we ever wanted and now give ourselves the dignity of being more selective. However we change will affect every relationship in our lives.

Hope for spiritual comfort. Nothing will get us straight to our core spiritual beliefs more than a serious illness or death of someone we love. This time usually clarifies what we really believe and to what we want to commit. Regardless of the outcome of our faith, we have pushed through our present limits and our world view is forever changed.
 
Hope for peace of mind. We may never get it. We may never get any of these things. We may never get cured or be in remission or have physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual comfort. But there is hope of it. If remission is not attained and time continues on, then each shut door brings a chance of making peace with what is happening.
Each death in my life has changed me. Even after the very painful decline and death of my grandmother, I am not permanently jaded as I thought I would be. I’m not sure why. I fumbled my way through it all. I do have a spiritual practice and I remember not finding a whole lot of comfort in it at the time. But I knew deep inside that her choices came from her beliefs that gave her hope, no matter what it all looked like to me from where I stood.
 
I think about the book, Tuesdays with Morrie. When it’s my time to die, his book has given me hope that I may be able to accept it. We’ll see when I get there.

Deanna Cochran first sat with a family and their dying loved one when she was 13.  It turned out to be her calling.  Deanna is a skilled RN whose first love is providing hospice and palliative services to families with a dying loved one.  She is an extremely valuable resource for end of life issues.  Please go to her websites www.doulaforthedying.com and www.qualityoflifecare.com to learn more.    

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